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Am I a jerk for this?

georgehairlesson

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Ok, for this post I'm going to have to give a bit of background on the situation.... In 6th grade I moved to a new school and quickly became friends with a girl named Cat. We were best friends 6-8th grade, but when we both went to separate h.s.'s we didn't see each other much. During my first couple years of college we became close friends again until school started to get hectic, I got a bf, and we parted ways for awhile. I then ended up taking a couple years off school for awhile and traveled/worked. After my then bf and I broke up, Cat and I started hanging out again. I re-entered college and we were best friends again, but this last year I have become so busy with school, the new house, and many other things, that I really did not have the time to drive 30-40 minutes to hang out with her. She became extremely upset by this and would call me daily. I was either at work or school so I tended to miss her calls, which made her even more mad. She then wrote me on facebook and myspace saying that "best friends always make time for each other and that we were always meant to be friends". I ignored this because, truthfully it weirded/creeped me out. (she has social issues) I felt that I'm 24 years old, not an immature child anymore, and I didn't have to deal with her drama. Over a week ago her grandmother died and she called my mom who ended up going to the funeral. My mom called to tell me that Cat's grandmother had died and that I should call and say I am sorry for her grandmother's death. I did not do this because I was uncomfortable calling her after not talking for months. Today, my mom calls me up and totally crabs me out for not calling Cat and tells me how rude it was.
I asked a couple of my friends if they thought I was being rude and both of them said "no". Was it rude what I did?
 
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2sphynxgirl

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If you are at a point where you feel the friendship has ended or is in an unhealthy place, then no it was not rude. If you feel that you might want to "go back" to being good friends again, you might want to call her.

Speaking from experience, some times it is ok to let friendships fade out. We aren't the same people we were in school/at that job/before the divorce/etc....

It can sometimes be more painful later if you pretend to still be interested in your frienship when you arent...

Sorry, hope that didn't sound preachy
 

Brooke

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I agree with 2sphynxgirl. If you're at the point where you don't feel comfortable calling her or she's being weird, or the friendship has faded away, then no, it probably wasn't rude. It might seem like it to people on the outside - only you and the other girl can really know.

I'm having a similar situation with an old friend, actually. We used to be really close, but life has changed, we've changed and grown apart. She got really sick a few years ago with Cancer and I made every effort to be there for her, driving 2 hours each way to see her every day in the hospital...even her own husband didn't go. But she started being really weird and selfish (she'd always been that way, but it got really bad after she got sick). For example, one day when I was on my way to visit her, I called to ask if she wanted me to bring her anything, meaning chapstick, magazines, you know - hospital stuff - and she actually seriously asked me to stop at the mall and buy her a Coach purse!! :Dizzy: And when I chewed her out for it, she had her family attack me for being insensitive. Then I went through a really rough patch last year, and she was nowhere to be found. So, our friendship all but ended...However, every once in a while, she will pop up on my facebook page and write on my wall something along the lines of "I really miss talking to you, not having you in my life is almost as painful as the Cancer running through my body" or "Gee, when you get Cancer, you really find out who your real friends are". These things are just meant to make me feel guilty or humiliate me or make me look like an A-hole to the people who don't know the real story and the only thing I can do is ignore it and know that I gave our friendship my best effort, but it is a two-way street.
 

havingalook

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Hard to write my opinion, as text comes across a little bitchy and I promise I'm not being short/ abrupt/ bitchy.

Going to try and look at it from her point of view as well... :Sweat:

I asked a couple of my friends if they thought I was being rude and both of them said "no". Was it rude what I did?

I would personally have at least called/ sent a card when her grandmother died. Would she have done the same for you? I do feel sorry for her.



Your best friends and really close until something comes up in your life (boyfriends/moving etc) and she gets put on the back burner. Then whoever gets back in touch and become close again until your distracted by something else (moving/ school etc.) I know it's hard to continue friendships when your life is going through huge changes but if she truly was your best friend then you'd make time for her.

If you feel that you might want to "go back" to being good friends again, you might want to call her.

But thats probably just picking her up and discarding her when something else comes along, all the time. It's healthier to just move on and don't continue a friendship with her. She can find a new bf that's there for her through snow/ rain/ boyfriends etc and her neediness won't make you uncomfortable.


Edited to add; My post still reads wrong and bitchy. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
 

abbyknitter

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I went through something similar as well...I'm not usually a selfish person but for my own health and well being I stopped being friends with someone who apparently really needed my help. It is a long and gross story and I just wont go into it. But I guess my point is being friends with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable can be really stressful and bad for your health, so no I don't think it's rude.
 

ilovemysphynx

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I have to agree with Havingalook on this one. Also not to sound nasty but, she did not make you feel uncomfortable or weird when you did not have anything else to do. I would have sent A card or something for grandma. If you do not want to be friends and truly feel this way then don't but you have to keep it that way even if you get board or have nothing to do.
My best friend moved to North Carolina and we still stay together and know we are there for each other, the drive is just a bit longer now.
It sounds like your friend is envyous when your life changes and hers does not, if you are truly friends you would be able to enjoy these things together and talk about them and why things change.
hope that helps.
 

susi794

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I'm going to have to side with havingalook and ilovemysphynx. I have sent a card and condolences to people I don't even really know...like people from work, etc. So, even if I didn't care to continue the friendship, since this person had at one time been my "best friend"--that would certainly warrant a sympathy card. If her friendship makes you uncomfortable now, then don't pursue the friendship anymore, but don't abandon common courtesy-to not even say you're sorry for her loss is being rude. There are other ways to let her know you don't care to continue the friendship. If an old friend of mine did that to me I would've been crushed. I'd send her a note apologizing for not acknowledging her loss and make a donation to a charity in memory of her Grandma--even if it's only a few dollars. But do something.
That's just my opinion--with that and about a buck you can buy a cup of coffee.
 

myspecialboy

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Situations like yours can be tricky to give advice on because none of us knows all the details of you and your friend's history together. We can only say what we would have done and what happened from our past experiences.

I have a friend who both of us thought would be roommates in the nursing home. She met a guy from our hometown and they moved to CA. She came back to live in our hometown right after I moved an hour away. She almost right away moved to KY where she's been for the past 2.5yrs. We used to talk all the time, but it's been spread out and for the past year, we hardly ever talked. Recently, she told me she was going to get married. It was a shock because we both figured no man would ever be able to stand our sorry a$$es and we'd be single forever. However, we still promised each other that on that cold day in Hell that one of us does tie the knot, the other would not only be MOH, but they would also sing at the wedding (we both sing, so it wasn't a bet or anything). When she asked me to be her bridesmaid, I agreed, thinking she just meant MOH, but said the wrong word. I'm helping her with the date, location, colors, and I'm even driving down 2hrs next week to help her find dresses. MOH duties, no? Well, turns out that our friend that lives in HI is the MOH, even though I'm doing all the work. Does it hurt? Like Hell. Does it mean I wont help her? Not at all. Will I tell her how much it hurts me? No way because the day is about her and I don't want to seem selfish.

My point, although it may not be clear, is that if you truly love someone, you wont let anything stand in your way of being there for them. This includes not only the "Bro's before Ho's" rule that was violated, but also the needy comments she left you.
 

ilovemysphynx

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Just wanted to say that you sound like A great friend! I am sure it will come up one day and she will relize her mistake, I was in the same situation once, but you are doing the right think now.:ThumbsUp:


Situations like yours can be tricky to give advice on because none of us knows all the details of you and your friend's history together. We can only say what we would have done and what happened from our past experiences.

I have a friend who both of us thought would be roommates in the nursing home. She met a guy from our hometown and they moved to CA. She came back to live in our hometown right after I moved an hour away. She almost right away moved to KY where she's been for the past 2.5yrs. We used to talk all the time, but it's been spread out and for the past year, we hardly ever talked. Recently, she told me she was going to get married. It was a shock because we both figured no man would ever be able to stand our sorry a$$es and we'd be single forever. However, we still promised each other that on that cold day in Hell that one of us does tie the knot, the other would not only be MOH, but they would also sing at the wedding (we both sing, so it wasn't a bet or anything). When she asked me to be her bridesmaid, I agreed, thinking she just meant MOH, but said the wrong word. I'm helping her with the date, location, colors, and I'm even driving down 2hrs next week to help her find dresses. MOH duties, no? Well, turns out that our friend that lives in HI is the MOH, even though I'm doing all the work. Does it hurt? Like Hell. Does it mean I wont help her? Not at all. Will I tell her how much it hurts me? No way because the day is about her and I don't want to seem selfish.

My point, although it may not be clear, is that if you truly love someone, you wont let anything stand in your way of being there for them. This includes not only the "Bro's before Ho's" rule that was violated, but also the needy comments she left you.
 

myspecialboy

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Just wanted to say that you sound like A great friend! I am sure it will come up one day and she will relize her mistake, I was in the same situation once, but you are doing the right think now.:ThumbsUp:

Thanks! Someone told me that they had the same situation and didn't tell the friend until years later and the friend said that she wished she would have known being MOH meant so much to her because she would have let her have it. I don't plan on ever telling her, though. There is no reason she ever needs to know. I do know one thing, though. She still had better let me sing!
 

ilovemysphynx

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Thanks! Someone told me that they had the same situation and didn't tell the friend until years later and the friend said that she wished she would have known being MOH meant so much to her because she would have let her have it. I don't plan on ever telling her, though. There is no reason she ever needs to know. I do know one thing, though. She still had better let me sing!

Just get upn and do it!:ThumbsUp:
 
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