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Anyone have a ADHD kid? (long read, sorry)

ckutkuhn7

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My boyfriend has an 11 yr old son who is ADHD. I'm having a really hard time getting along with this boy and I don't know if it is his disease that I fight with everyday or his behavior/attitude. (I've been with my boyfriend now for 1.5 yrs, lived together for just over a year now)

He can not do anything on his own. I'm terrified this kid will be living out of our basement as an adult. He does not shower unless made to shower. My cats are easier to give a bath then this kid, he can't prepare himself in the mornings for school, my boyfriend litterally has to tell him what to do next, how to do it, often times does it for him because its just quicker that way. We even have to make him go to the bathroom for #2! He wont' go on his own - we have to ground him to the bathroom until he can produce something satisfactory before his bowels explode.

He complains he is bored 24/7, only thing that makes him happy is playing our PS3 which is in the livingroom where I watch TV. Yes I have a tv in my bedroom but why should I have to go watch TV elsewhere to avoid his complaints and temper tantrums? He's fights and argue's over dinner. If its home made then he won't eat it. It has to come out of a box from the freezer or he doesn't want it (A lot like his dad there!). He will outright yell at me if something doesn't go his way, if we have to leave the house 10 minutes earlier to get gas if needed or anything out of ordinary. If we take a different road he jumps me on why. If I cook something in the toaster oven instead of the microwave or conventinial oven he throws a huge fit and doesn't want it that way. I have to lay his pills a certain way on the table or in my hand in order for him to pick them up right or he will drop them and I will flip if that happens cuz if my cats get ahold of them I'd be killing me someone.

I pick him up from school (30 mins drive), I take him to Dr's appointments, I pick his meds up from the pharmacy, I cook his meals, I wash his clothes, I try to help him with homework when he will let me. I do so much for this child.

My kids are normal, they do as their told and keep straight A's and keep themselves busy and act like decent little adults. This morning him and my boyfriend (his dad) got into it before school because he's been trying to call his mom all week, she won't answer and she won't call him back (not our fault), well he demanded that his dad make sure he gets out of this house this weekend so he doesn't have to stay here with HER! (meaning me)..
I'm really not an awful person, if you talk me like I'm a person and not your slave then I'll be happy to make you happy as long as I can.

He expects me to "serve him" his meals (bring them to him) and I just wasn't raised that way nor did I raise my own kids that way. This kid doesn't say please, thankyou or excuse me.

Any advice before I go crazy?? Sorry I've gotten on a bit of a rant but its Thursday and I keep this child everyday while my boyfriend is at work and my nerves are just shot.

My boyfriend understands how difficult his son is and often has the same trouble out of him but its 100 times worse with me because he isn't my son. I don't have the automatic love for him. It has to develope and I'm having a really tough time.

Does anyone else here have a ADHD child that can maybe offer advice? Is this behavior common amongst those with ADHD or is he just a spoiled brat?
 

Cathie

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I have a friend whos sons (2) are ADHD, and they are no where near this bad, I would think he is useing his ADHD to be a spoiled brat. I would try to treat him like a "normal" kid. If your ate dinner at the table, then he needs to get off his butt and come to the table too, if he is bored, then he can go outside (in a yard) to play. Kids dont seem to go outside to play anymore. I was always told if a kid starts to yell at you, ignore them. It worked for my kids, I didnt care if I was in a store, they had a fit, I kept walking, soon they realized it didnt help and they better get up with me or get left.

Sorry you are having such trouble. and that I couldnt be more help.
 

AmazonGoddess

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Ugh, that's a frustrating, heartbreaking situation to be in.

I'm wondering though - reading the descriptions of his behaviour and actions ... has he been tested for Autism? I have an acquaintance who's son was diagnosed with low-spectrum (I believe that's the term) autism. A lot of what your bf's son is doing is very similar to what she went through/is going through with her son. It might be worth bringing up as autism is treatable with therapy and some meds, especially if it's a low-spectrum.

What I do know about both is patience is required. Also, the FIRM establishment of routines. However, both adults need to be very stringent about it. My cousin's oldest boy has ADHD and they work very hard to ensure he has routines that work for him. This also includes physical exercise to help him work off built up energy and aggression.

It sounds right now like the son runs the show and you and your b/f has to jump to his needs. The hard part for you has to be figuring out your authority with the lad.

I wish you lots of luck on this. It's not an easy road.
 

Candys

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Wow - you have described my child line for line. My son is ADHD with other issues. He still can not read. I have to be on top of him at all times, watching to make sure he puts his shirt on right, brushes his teeth, takes his meds. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH. I will get back with you tomorrow. I am at work now and tonight I have a work party to go to. Hang in there and 'don't take it personally". A glass or two of wine helps - I am not kidding!
 

wright878

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ADHD runs in my family, myself, son, neice, etc. In your description of this young man it sure sounds like there are a lot of other issues. He could be taking his mom's absence out on you. He could be spoiled rotten. He could be jealous of your kids/cats/relationship with his dad. Since you are the one taking him to the doctor, have you ever asked the doctor's opinion of his behavior? How do you feel about this doctor.
 

Shell_Baby

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Ugh, that's a frustrating, heartbreaking situation to be in.

I'm wondering though - reading the descriptions of his behaviour and actions ... has he been tested for Autism? I have an acquaintance who's son was diagnosed with low-spectrum (I believe that's the term) autism. A lot of what your bf's son is doing is very similar to what she went through/is going through with her son. It might be worth bringing up as autism is treatable with therapy and some meds, especially if it's a low-spectrum.

What I do know about both is patience is required. Also, the FIRM establishment of routines. However, both adults need to be very stringent about it. My cousin's oldest boy has ADHD and they work very hard to ensure he has routines that work for him. This also includes physical exercise to help him work off built up energy and aggression.

I was thinking the same thing about autism and possibly OCD, since you have to do certain things a certain way (ie. the way you have to lay out the pills). There may be more going on than just the ADHD.

I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this - prayers, hugs and kitty purrs coming your way! Hopefully things will improve very soon in this whole situation!
 

sphynxie

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I'm sorry I don't know much about ADHD- but I'm sending all good thoughts your way.
 

ilovemysphynx

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My 2 cents being that I manage a pediatric office, I am going with Autism.
Also my sisters so is the exact same way, and my mother does everything he demands all the time no matter how weird or strange. I would talk to the doctor or get a second opinion.
 

Candys

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That's my solution to a lot of problems! And if the wine doesn't help - move on to tequila! :Wink:
:ThumbsUp::ThumbsUp::ThumbsUp:
My sister takes one shot before the 3 kidos get home from school. One is perfect, another is OCD and the boy is ADHD.:Smile:
 

Candys

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I agree that he needs to be tested. My son has been going to REHAB for all kinds of therapies including sensory integration. It has helped him a lot. Also a routine needs to be established. Stick to a schedule. That way he knows what to expect. He could have problems transitioning from one task to another. If it is going to be something like a diferent route then explain it to him before you take off. Then he will know what to expect. He also needs an IEP. This is an Individual Education Program for children that are having trouble in school (no Child Left Behind). The school has to do this. They have a staff that can test him for all kinds of issues. This is very important for his education. There are also advocates that can help you with the process if you don't trust your school system. It has helped my son tremendously. Also - as far as the arguing goes - say it once and don't get pulled into his argument. If you do, you are empowering him and he wins. If time out does not work for him then use his currency to negotiate better behavior - his currency is the Play Station. Make a schedule for him to go by. If he accomplishes tasks on his schedule then he gets the Play Station for 20 minutes. The Play Station should be used as a reward system. It does not matter if he likes you are not. My son still says he hates me on occasion - (so what). You need to make sure he is confident and adjusting in life. He is God's child and we are here to help. It is a hard process for these children. You nor I have no idea what they are experiencing. They just need help. There is a lot of help out there. I will send you some info. God Bless you in your journey.
 

ckutkuhn7

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I have a friend whos sons (2) are ADHD, and they are no where near this bad, I would think he is useing his ADHD to be a spoiled brat. I would try to treat him like a "normal" kid. If your ate dinner at the table, then he needs to get off his butt and come to the table too, if he is bored, then he can go outside (in a yard) to play. Kids dont seem to go outside to play anymore. I was always told if a kid starts to yell at you, ignore them. It worked for my kids, I didnt care if I was in a store, they had a fit, I kept walking, soon they realized it didnt help and they better get up with me or get left.

Sorry you are having such trouble. and that I couldnt be more help.
I do the ignore thing most of the time when he throws his tantrums but when he starts scaring the cats or endangering them I draw the line and the demons of hell come up out of me. Seriously! I know that this can easily cause stress on my cats so I try to keep things at a mum when possible. However, when he gets really bad he will throw things, throws punches into the air, at the tv, at the walls, will pretend to shoot the cats (that disturbs me greatly), will pretend to shoot his dad behind his back. Sometimes he just does things that no part of me can ignore. Repeatidly slams doors, will jump off the couch onto the floor, will jump on the couch from the floor, jumped on his bed so hard one day he broke it and we had to prop it up with boxes until we could fix it, shakes his pop when he gets it out of the fridge or box...(why does his dad allow him to drink pop when he already has plenty of hype in him?? I dont know). I could go on forever.

Ugh, that's a frustrating, heartbreaking situation to be in.

I'm wondering though - reading the descriptions of his behaviour and actions ... has he been tested for Autism? I have an acquaintance who's son was diagnosed with low-spectrum (I believe that's the term) autism. A lot of what your bf's son is doing is very similar to what she went through/is going through with her son. It might be worth bringing up as autism is treatable with therapy and some meds, especially if it's a low-spectrum.

What I do know about both is patience is required. Also, the FIRM establishment of routines. However, both adults need to be very stringent about it. My cousin's oldest boy has ADHD and they work very hard to ensure he has routines that work for him. This also includes physical exercise to help him work off built up energy and aggression.

It sounds right now like the son runs the show and you and your b/f has to jump to his needs. The hard part for you has to be figuring out your authority with the lad.

I wish you lots of luck on this. It's not an easy road.
I do not believe he has been tested for autism and I have brought up the concern to my bf and he doesn't want to hear it and thinks I'm out of line on that conversation. I do not attend his actual medication reviews each month (he is on a heavy narcotic an its monitored monthly), I usually attend his dental and other dr appts like when he gets sick or what not. His father takes him to the medication reviews and I'm not preevy to those conversations. He will tell me things but my opinion usually isn't welcome since he knows I have no experience with this and have never had a ADHD child of my own and I've only known the boy for 1.5 yrs.

Wow - you have described my child line for line. My son is ADHD with other issues. He still can not read. I have to be on top of him at all times, watching to make sure he puts his shirt on right, brushes his teeth, takes his meds. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH. I will get back with you tomorrow. I am at work now and tonight I have a work party to go to. Hang in there and 'don't take it personally". A glass or two of wine helps - I am not kidding!
Wow - sounds like your the one I want to talk too!! Can't wait to talk!! I knew there was atleast one person on here with a ADHD son, just couldn't recall who. I didn't even get to everything either, I just touched on everything that happened the past 24 hrs! lol

ADHD runs in my family, myself, son, neice, etc. In your description of this young man it sure sounds like there are a lot of other issues. He could be taking his mom's absence out on you. He could be spoiled rotten. He could be jealous of your kids/cats/relationship with his dad. Since you are the one taking him to the doctor, have you ever asked the doctor's opinion of his behavior? How do you feel about this doctor.
He has told me he doesn't have to listen to me cuz I'm not his mother. I get that and I'm understanding of that, but when his mother doesn't even answer the phone when he calls and I'm the one picking her son up for school ,,I really don't care what she told him. I've been more of a mother to this child this year then I have been to my own! (My kids dont live with me:Cry:, another long story.)

I'm sorry I don't know much about ADHD- but I'm sending all good thoughts your way.
Thankyou

My 2 cents being that I manage a pediatric office, I am going with Autism.
Also my sisters so is the exact same way, and my mother does everything he demands all the time no matter how weird or strange. I would talk to the doctor or get a second opinion.
I'm thinking the same thing, I've done alot of research online to try to help me overcome this but its hard when my bf doesn't want to consider this as a option or atleast something to look into.

I'm sending you a PM. I used to be an Early Childhood Educator for 7 years and have worked with a lot of special needs children.
Thanks, I'll keep an eye out for it.

I was thinking the same thing about autism and possibly OCD, since you have to do certain things a certain way (ie. the way you have to lay out the pills). There may be more going on than just the ADHD.

I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this - prayers, hugs and kitty purrs coming your way! Hopefully things will improve very soon in this whole situation!
Thanks, we do believe he has a OCD issue going on, that actually runs in the family so thats understandable and I even have a touch of it myself with certain things. And thats even part of the issue, he does things that interferes with my own issues and OMG it drives me crazy!!! lol
 

ckutkuhn7

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He does have a IEP, its been greatly reduced in the past year per the school board but he still attends a special class to help him with whatever his weak points are.
I have tried to use the PS3 has an reward system and it just doesn't work. Why doesn't it work? Because my way of parenting and my bf's way of parenting are two different things!!!! I can't make him stick to what I've established when he is shipped off to his mom's for the weekends and she just does whatever with him all weekend, then when I'm not here I don't know what really takes place other then when I get home he is usually playing ps3.
 

Gullivers Keeper

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All I know is I'm glad my brother and I had nothing wrong with us. My mother would not have had any of it :Sweat: We did as we were told end of story, I think I missed one day of high school and that was it. I give you much credit, because I could not handle the situation you are in. I guess that's why we have cats not kids (and it's funny everyone says I'm so good with kids.. HA!! )
 

ckutkuhn7

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All I know is I'm glad my brother and I had nothing wrong with us. My mother would not have had any of it :Sweat: We did as we were told end of story, I think I missed one day of high school and that was it. I give you much credit, because I could not handle the situation you are in. I guess that's why we have cats not kids (and it's funny everyone says I'm so good with kids.. HA!! )
Yes, it is very difficult and many times I just leave the room and bite my tongue literally just to keep my mouth shut. My boyfriend and I are great together, however, I already know if for whatever reason we don't work out in the end, it will be because of this child.:Cry: I can only take so much and the whole situation is so freaking messed up.
 

Inferno12

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I think a lot of parents blame ADHD instead of being a strict parent. Its easier to blame someone else and give them a pill. I do believe that I would have been diagnosed with ADHD but that was not common practice. Instead I got my a** beat and given rules to follow. I believe I turned out pretty good :Wink:. I was always riding my bike, playing in the neighborhood, working in the yard and doing sports. My parents always kept me busy which I think was the best thing they could have done. Even if your kid has ADHD or whatever you want to call it, parents need to be involved and to whats good for the child. Not whats easy for them.

In saying all this. There are some things that I missed out on. I didnt pay attention in class so I didnt learn much (I guess thats why I am a firefighter. We dont really have to think :LOL::LOL:). I wish someone would have noticed so I could have done a little better in school.

This kid does however sound like there is way more going on then ADHD. I would say Autism or OCD or maybe a little of both. I think the important thing is that Dad gets him in and figures out what is wrong the boy will grow up to be able to function in society.

Im sure I didnt give you much advice but I hope things will get better for you. I hope I didnt offend anyone with my rant!!!
 

NightSpidy

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It is definitely a tough road you are on and I know that when you say if it doesn't work out with you and boyfriend it will be b/c of his son, I agree 100%. I have seen this happen quite a number of times when I was teaching. Forgive me for saying this, but your b/f not including you on what happens with his son, is a slap in the face. He wants you to look after him, but doesn't want your imput. :Angry: You ARE looking after him too and this affects YOUR life too. It doesn't matter if you have had an ADHD/whatever child or not, you are both experiencing this together, it is a journey that you, b/f and child are taking together, and the adults need to come together, keep an open mind, and work together to give this child the best chance in life he can have. You can still have success if the mother does whatever she wants if you and b/f are on the same page. OK, I'm just gonna shut the hell up now, blood pressure rising, getting frustrated.....:Stop: I give you a lot of credit for doing what you are doing.....I would not be able to do it, heck, I don't even want children of my own.
 

SylvrTitoijava

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Sorry for all the trouble your going through but that sounds more like Autism and less like ADHD.
 

Gizzymom

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I am, by no means, any type of expert. But he sounds like he has a behavioral disorder.... and not ADHD, ADD, OCD, or autism. It sounds like he is trying to make you miserable and he is getting pleasure in succeeding.

I agree, Dawn. I got my ass beat too and I turned out well... If I do say so myself. But the problem is that if you beat your kids today, people call the cops - friends, neighbors, or the child himself. Ridiculous!!! How are you supposed to discipline an out of control kid?? Time out?? :LOL:

My two cents (which is actually worth nothing) is to bring him to a psychiatrist to evaluate for behavioral disorder... Hopefully nothing more serious... (i.e. sociopath)

Best of luck to you...
 

Gullivers Keeper

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I am, by no means, any type of expert. But he sounds like he has a behavioral disorder.... and not ADHD, ADD, OCD, or autism. It sounds like he is trying to make you miserable and he is getting pleasure in succeeding.

I agree, Dawn. I got my ass beat too and I turned out well... If I do say so myself. But the problem is that if you beat your kids today, people call the cops - friends, neighbors, or the child himself. Ridiculous!!! How are you supposed to discipline an out of control kid?? Time out?? :LOL:

My two cents (which is actually worth nothing) is to bring him to a psychiatrist to evaluate for behavioral disorder... Hopefully nothing more serious... (i.e. sociopath)

Best of luck to you...
Shoot I didn't even get my ass beat, but they instilled "the fear" and my brother and I turned out pretty good :ThumbsUp: I think I do have and did have "ADD" and it CAN be behaviorally modified by a strict no bull kinda parent for the most part except for the very worst of cases. A child put on narcotics seems like the opposite of an answer to me.

Has anyone read 1984 or Brave New World?
 

ckutkuhn7

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It is definitely a tough road you are on and I know that when you say if it doesn't work out with you and boyfriend it will be b/c of his son, I agree 100%. I have seen this happen quite a number of times when I was teaching. Forgive me for saying this, but your b/f not including you on what happens with his son, is a slap in the face. He wants you to look after him, but doesn't want your imput. :Angry: You ARE looking after him too and this affects YOUR life too. It doesn't matter if you have had an ADHD/whatever child or not, you are both experiencing this together, it is a journey that you, b/f and child are taking together, and the adults need to come together, keep an open mind, and work together to give this child the best chance in life he can have. You can still have success if the mother does whatever she wants if you and b/f are on the same page. OK, I'm just gonna shut the hell up now, blood pressure rising, getting frustrated.....:Stop: I give you a lot of credit for doing what you are doing.....I would not be able to do it, heck, I don't even want children of my own.
I 100% agree with you. I talk to my bf's cousin alot about it because they are best friends and she has seen a few ladies leave him because of this and we have become good friends and I can vent to her without her running and telling him every thought I have. Sometimes a girl just needs to vent!

I am, by no means, any type of expert. But he sounds like he has a behavioral disorder.... and not ADHD, ADD, OCD, or autism. It sounds like he is trying to make you miserable and he is getting pleasure in succeeding.

I agree, Dawn. I got my ass beat too and I turned out well... If I do say so myself. But the problem is that if you beat your kids today, people call the cops - friends, neighbors, or the child himself. Ridiculous!!! How are you supposed to discipline an out of control kid?? Time out?? :LOL:

My two cents (which is actually worth nothing) is to bring him to a psychiatrist to evaluate for behavioral disorder... Hopefully nothing more serious... (i.e. sociopath)

Best of luck to you...
I do know he is ADHD, I've seen him without the medication, he has to have day time meds, and night time meds. Without medication he is non stop literally banging his head on the walls or making you want to beat yours on the wall. Its no fun. He's a pretty rough life, born 3 mths premature, sick until he was 3 years old, violent sick, violent vomitting etc. I wasn't there but I hear it was pretty bad. :Sweat:

Shoot I didn't even get my ass beat, but they instilled "the fear" and my brother and I turned out pretty good :ThumbsUp: I think I do have and did have "ADD" and it CAN be behaviorally modified by a strict no bull kinda parent for the most part except for the very worst of cases. A child put on narcotics seems like the opposite of an answer to me.

Has anyone read 1984 or Brave New World?
What sort of books are those? I love true stories on behaviors and such. The Many Minds of Billy Milligan is by far one of my favorite reads.
 

Gizzymom

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Shoot I didn't even get my ass beat, but they instilled "the fear" and my brother and I turned out pretty good :ThumbsUp: I think I do have and did have "ADD" and it CAN be behaviorally modified by a strict no bull kinda parent for the most part except for the very worst of cases. A child put on narcotics seems like the opposite of an answer to me.

Has anyone read 1984 or Brave New World?
Oh, I agree... Meds should only be considered if absolutely necessary... But a psych eval could possible help with a diagnosis. And then there are special programs / schools for kids with behavioral disorders that concentrate on discipline and behavior modification... IF that is the issue...
 

ckutkuhn7

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He was actually taken to Columbus Childrens Hospital for several test several times before a diagnosis was ever made. Putting him on meds wasn't something that came easy for my boyfriend to do. He doesn't believe in medicating but honestly, his son can not function at all without them. Even with them its still obviously difficult, but if they go any higher on his medication for his size it will pretty much just turn him into a zombie. Atleast he is somewhat manageable currently.
 

MissMySphynxBoys

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I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I wish your boyfriend would have a change of heart and make you an official part of his son's "support team". Sharing his son's medical/behavioral treatment plans with you, would increase the boy's chances for success by having all the adults around him on the same page, not to mention it would make your home life together more pleasant. Hoping this will get better.
 
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