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Life has dealt me some bad cards...again

Inferno12

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For many years I have been struggling with my internal clock and having a baby. I have wanted to for years and It only getting worse. Among other relationship struggles I put my foot down and told my other half that I want kids and this feeling is not going away. I was then told that she was going to move out because she wants nothing to do with kids. WTF do I do????

I have no idea how to handle this but to turn to my boys. I am so happy that I have them here. She has been a total Bi*** since this happened and its really embarrassing in front of my family. She has just sat on the couch and said nothing to anyone, even on Christmas when my moms house was FULL of family.

I guess the real revenge is that I have 4 unruly kids (My niece and nephews) that are hanging out with us for the next few days :Surprise::Surprise::Surprise:. I do love them and I think its a sign when I still have the urge to have a baby after hanging out with these terrible kids!!!

I have no idea what to do right now but I guess I will get through this right????
 

Mews2much

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I know this is different then what you are going through but I wanted kids and my husband can not have any more because the chemo did something.
You and Jess need to work it out.
My biggest dream was to have kids and it never happened and yes I am very jealous of everyone.
She should not be a ##### in front of your family that is not right.
My sister gave up having kids when she dated Mike because he did not want any then he dumped her at the TICA Regional.
Do you love Jess enough not to have kids?
You need to decide if you rather have her or kids.





 

JacksMom

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I am so sorry; I really don't know what to say, but I do so understand about the internal clock thing...I am there with ya. It's hard. I am so sorry your girl is not on the same page as you.
 
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I'm really sorry. I know that it's hard for you, and I'm sure it's hard for her too. I'm sure she doesn't WANT to move out, she's just upset. Maybe you should sit down and talk about it, though I'm sure you have before. You want them, she doesn't. So discuss why you want them, and why she doesn't. Maybe she has a point, maybe she doesn't. Either way I don't think a beautiful relationship should be broken because of an argument that can be resolved.

Good luck.
 

Inferno12

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There is so much more than the baby thing. I wish we could fix things but I doubt it at this point. I just dont know what to do.

Alcohol helps though!!! :Dizzy::Dizzy:
 

SylvrTitoijava

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Children is such a huge thing in a person's life, if it's a big point of disagreement then this might be a case of you need someone better for you. She might just be scared right now and warm up to the idea later.
If there are other arguements going on beyond this, then there might be underlying issues than have nothing to do with having a baby.
I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. Things always seem to mess up at the worst times. You'll get through one way or another and you have plenty of friends here on sphynx lair that support you.
 

susi794

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Ok, girl-you listen to me. Alcohol does NOT help anything. Sitting around getting drunk only postpones having to deal with the problems at hand. It doesn't make them easier to bear. Then when you sober up, the issues are still there and you also have a hang-over. I lived with an alcoholic for ten years and have seen alcohol ruin so many people's lives....it doesn't help anything. Now, get hold of yourself and think this out.
Having the deep desire for children when your partner does not is a fundamental difference. It isn't something that lends itself to compromise. In my opinion you wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who doesn't want kids--what kind of a parent would she make? People that don't want kids don't want them for a reason. If she has said she will leave you if you have a child, then believe her. If not in the beginning, then sometime. You have indicated that there appears to be more wrong than just the having a baby issue here and I am so very sorry to hear this, Dawn. It's crappy that this comes at Christmas time, but holidays seem to bring out the best and worst in people. How long have you and Jess been together? If you love someone, you work to compromise, but if having children is a deep seated desire for you, then you need to do what speaks to your heart's desire. As a firefighter, how would a pregnancy fit into your lifestyle? Would you have to quit? Would you be willing to be a single parent? It's a huge commitment and people that don't really want to make it, shouldn't be pushed into doing so. Like Jacky said, you need to decide what you want more, and then go for it. Life is too short to be miserable all the time, and while I agree with Sianne, you don't throw a good relationship away...you also don't waste more time on one that isn't working for you...that you have to go to alcohol to deal with. Put the booze away. Make it through this vacation. Don't burn any bridges right this minute. Go back home and have a rational discussion there about what you each want. Then go from there. My prayers are with you both.
Hugs,
Susi
 

marlene

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I wholeheartedly agree with Susi. The only thing that I would add is that while children can be a source of great joy, they're also a source of great stress - and a relationship that has problems prior to children is never improved by bringing a baby into the equation.
 

Gizzymom

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Dawn,
First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this, not only at Christmastime, but also in the presence of your whole family. But I agree with the fact that you have to decide which is more important to you... I am of the mindset that I do NOT want children and I have had to end a relationship with someone who wanted children and thought that if he was patient, I would come around and change my mind. Don't waste that time if children are that important to you and your biological clock is ticking... And once your decision is made, you have to stick with it - It is hard to stay away from someone you care about and someone you are "used to" being with. But if you have to "force things" with Jess... maybe there is someone better for you out there.

Good luck in your decision. My heart goes out to you....
 

brnsugarbaybie

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I tried for years to have a child and it never happened for me, it is the saddest chapter in a otherwise happy life. For years my partner said it was not a big deal one way or the other, whatever made me happy would make him happy. He just recently told me how much having a child would have ment to him. So now I'm thiking if he had comunicated with me honestly things might be different. So now we have an issue that I don't know how we can surpass. I say all this to say sit down and talk about this and know that everyone is saying what they really feel about the issue....then you have to make the choice that is right for you. But talk about ...talk about it a lot
 

MissMySphynxBoys

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Sending you lots of love and support. Try to find some quiet time alone to sit and just "be" with your thoughts without judging them or incorporating the expectations of others. Follow what your heart and soul tell you. I have faith that your life's path will become clearer. Its all going to work out just the way it is supposed to be.
 

tessblack

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Dawn I am so sorry to read this. I think everyone has given great advice. I never want kids and it is the one thing that I can't bend on, as is you wanting kids. When I first met my husband he kinda wanted kids but felt too old. When we finally got together he did not want them anymore so it was good, Unfortunately it is a deal breaker either way. If there are other things going on as well then you need to sit down and talk about it and decide if this is right for you. It is the hardest thing I know but better now than down the road. A child is a huge commitment and needs a lot of work and love and most of all you need to be happy and feel confident in the person you are with. That is your dream and you should not put it aside. We are here for you girl. And snuggle your boys.
 

Avasmommy

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I feel for you. I couldnt imagine being in your situation. I never really wanted children. My husband did. My daughter was a miracle/accident. I was very lucky to carry on with the pregnancy after I found out I was pregnant. But she is my best friend/side kick.
I will say if one of you is not ready to have children it is a HUGE strain on the relationship. There were/sometimes still are mornings where I wake up and have such disdain against my husband, because of this or that. Im not good at giving advice, but I hope this along with others answers has helped some.
 

Gullivers Keeper

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If you want children and she does not, I'm sorry to say this may be a deal breaker. I know I do not want any, and no one could change my mind, and if they did and I just didn't ever come around to really wanting them, I would feel anger towards the person that pushed me to have children and that added stress could end a relationship. I truly feel the only happy couples I have seen with children are ones who BOTH really really wanted them. If you really want a child, it may be time to think about who you want to raise that child with or if you can raise it alone.

It's unfair to you to not have child if you want one, it's unfair to her to push life long a responsibility on to her that she does not want. This is a tough one and we are all here for you.
 

Candys

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So sorry that you are struggling. I am sending you hugs and wishing for clarity.:Smile:
 

wright878

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I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said much more eloquently than I could say it. But I will be thinking about you and hoping the right decision comes to you. Just don't make any decision during the holidays. They tend to be pretty stressful. Take care my friend.
 

ckutkuhn7

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So sorry to hear this Dawn. I totally agree with Susi and Marlene tho. They said the exact same things I would have. I wish you much luck as it will be a tough but much needed conversation. We are all here for you when you need a ear.
 

kiennasmom

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I can't give much advice that hasn't already been given, but I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome for both you & Jess. {hugs}
 
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Dawn,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through right now. Do not give up your dreams for anyone else but do not make any rash decisions. This is something that needs to be discussed when you are not under the pressure of the holidays, travelling and around family. Sometimes when we are fighting with our SOs, everything seems wrong, everything thing seems horrible and sometimes we say, do and decide things in the heat of emotion that we wish we hadn't of. Keep strong girl. We are here for you.
 

Sleepyheadkitten

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Oh, hon- great advice all around... I just want to give you hugs because this is the kinda sucky thing that just breaks my heart for people to have to go through.
 

Candys

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Now that I have time to speak my mind - I want to tell you that I had my first child when I was 24. I left the relationship at 24. I was on my own with a baby. No job - nothing. I lived with the father's family for a little while and found a job. I never remarried and never had a life partner during his growth. I did have family that helped me raise him. He has turned out to be a very intelligent, productive and loving child. But he was never mine - he was God's child. I just got to spend some time with him and I got to put in my two cents worth on how he should be shaped to be prepared for life on his own. That was the best deal I ever got - was to be with him.

Flash forward to age 42. I am married for three months and my husband begs for a child. I am so in love that I give in and have a child (not our child, but God's child). At age 46 I am divorced with no job - nothing. Again, family steps in - friends are there and the community has helped me to raise this beautiful being. I am still single and raising Bevan. Who would I be if he were not here right now? Would I be lazy and fat. Maybe a heavy drinker or a cat hoarder? No - I am in shape from running after him, I have a schedule because he needs one, I make good choices because I am his example. I am filled because he is my love.

Dawn - it changes your life totally when you have a child. You become enriched and puked upon and you fall in love with your little miracle. Your whole perspective changes. You buy a mini van. You have to talk to the teacher or doctor. You feel a real purpose.

It does not matter if you are rich or poor, skinny or fat, straight or gay, alone or befriended. The miracle of birth happens everywhere and you have the right to grasp what could be yours.

There - I said what I meant to say earlier. I just did not have the time. We all love you. But you are the one to make the choice. That choice has been made. You are afraid of the consequence. That consequence is a bridge you have not yet crossed. Map out your plan. Take a step.

Love you.
 

Gizzymom

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Now that I have time to speak my mind - I want to tell you that I had my first child when I was 24. I left the relationship at 24. I was on my own with a baby. No job - nothing. I lived with the father's family for a little while and found a job. I never remarried and never had a life partner during his growth. I did have family that helped me raise him. He has turned out to be a very intelligent, productive and loving child. But he was never mine - he was God's child. I just got to spend some time with him and I got to put in my two cents worth on how he should be shaped to be prepared for life on his own. That was the best deal I ever got - was to be with him.

Flash forward to age 42. I am married for three months and my husband begs for a child. I am so in love that I give in and have a child (not our child, but God's child). At age 46 I am divorced with no job - nothing. Again, family steps in - friends are there and the community has helped me to raise this beautiful being. I am still single and raising Bevan. Who would I be if he were not here right now? Would I be lazy and fat. Maybe a heavy drinker or a cat hoarder? No - I am in shape from running after him, I have a schedule because he needs one, I make good choices because I am his example. I am filled because he is my love.

Dawn - it changes your life totally when you have a child. You become enriched and puked upon and you fall in love with your little miracle. Your whole perspective changes. You buy a mini van. You have to talk to the teacher or doctor. You feel a real purpose.

It does not matter if you are rich or poor, skinny or fat, straight or gay, alone or befriended. The miracle of birth happens everywhere and you have the right to grasp what could be yours.

There - I said what I meant to say earlier. I just did not have the time. We all love you. But you are the one to make the choice. That choice has been made. You are afraid of the consequence. That consequence is a bridge you have not yet crossed. Map out your plan. Take a step.

Love you.
I know you TOTALLY didn't mean it this way... but I have to add that just because someone does not have a child does not mean that they do not have purpose. I am childless and I am not fat and lazy. I am not a drinker or a cat hoarder.
My life does not feel less full or that I am missing something. I have purpose in my career path I have chosen and I help people and change their lives every day.
I have oodles of love in my life... in the form of friends, family, patients, and Gizmo, of course.

Although it may not be the life path for everyone... It is right for me... And I do not feel like less of a person because of it... nor should anyone else whuo decides not to have children.

Again, Candys... I know you did not mean to insult people without children... but I had to throw my 2 cents in :Laugh:
 

Nofuratu

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Wow I hope you are able to get things sorted out one way or the other!
This is definetely a huge big deal with a lot of couples.
My first husband had terminal cancer, and lived somehow, but his chemo, radiation and surgery left him sterile. Neither of us wanted kids, but knowing we couldnt made my clock start ticking. When we divorced we were both very glad we didnt have any kids to fight over!
My current husband has 3 kids that were ages 5,6 and 8 when I met him. Although my clock was ticking and I really wanted a baby, I honestly dont like kids and really didnt want any...being forced to parent 3 kids was ****3$# tough! It still is and has put great strain on our relationship. They are now 12,13 and 15 and past the child stage, so I find it a bit easier....but its hard when its not your choice to have them!
At the same time I wanted a baby of my own for a few years, and my spouse has had a vasectomy that isnt reversible. He also doesnt want any more children! At one point we got to the stage where he agreed to do AI because he knew it wasnt fair to ask me to go without the experience of having my own baby, and he really loves me and was willing to do it all again even if he didnt want to!
But after a few years, and getting a sphynx to dress up and spoil, I've come to my senses. I will probably always wish I had a baby....but its not going to kill me if I dont have one. I still get the experience of raising 3 kids, and that is enough for me.
So its really about you deciding what is "enough" for you!
Its worrisome that your girl wont bend for you, but at the same time, what kind of parent would she be if she did bend? I constantly worry about my parenting ability, and worry I will "damage" my 3 stepkids....
But you cant go without a baby your whole life if you really want one...
I have faith that everything will work out as it should in the end, just be true to yourself. Big hugs!!
 

Inferno12

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Thank you for your support. This is something I have struggled with for many years and something that Jess knew about but we really didnt discuss. There have been many things that have bothered me lately and things other than the baby that are wrong at home. I really dont want to get into bashing her at all but I hate having to clean up after her non stop. If I gave birth to her it would be one thing but she is an adult! Things have been a little rocky and for me it takes more that buying me things to make me happy. She brought up my unhappiness on Christmas Eve and I kind of unloaded everything that I felt including wanting a baby. I go through stages with this and I have the urge again and it never goes away completely. I know its bad when I can be surrounded by out of control kids and I still want one :Dizzy::Dizzy:

I know what it takes to raise a child. Well up until the age of 6. My first partner had a 8 month old when we met and I helped raise him until he was 6 years old. I loved it. I loved the good and the bad. When we split she took him from my life and I rarely get to see him. Its been about 4 years since I have seen him and 2 since I have talked to him on the phone. I miss him terribly. I have spent the last 2 days with my completely unruly 3 nephews (12,10, and 3) and 1 niece (8) and that still hasnt cured me but poor Jess! :Sweat::Sweat:

I just think that it might be time for us to split. Its not fair for her to have a baby when she doesnt want one and its not fair for me to not have one. We still have a lot to talk about when we get home but it isnt looking good for us :Cry: I have a lot to figure out about having a baby and my job. I cant do it alone with the job I have now so I have to figure things out. I dont have a problem doing it alone but I cant right now with my job.

Thank you guys for all of your support and if im not on here you know why.
 
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