Tiny cat vs. big man

[Ella_B]

My boyfriend is not Berlin's biggest fan. He never supported my decision to get her and now that she's going through a very naughty, playful phase he dreads even visiting me. In fact, he has told me more than once that he doesn't like her and that he can't relax when he's at mine because he never knows when she's going to jump on him or run underfoot. She is very active and can be annoying, but she's just a baby. He can't understand that though and he says she makes him miserable.

Needless to say, I'm pretty depressed about it. We've been together four years and I dread being given the ultimatum: either she goes or he does.

 

[wundrlust]

God forbid you should ever have children together! Get rid of him.... He will always have a problem with Berlin.

 

[Gullivers Keeper]

Its a kitten, never really understood people that don't like kittens. They are rambunctious and even a bit annoying, but to me it's always in a way that makes me love them more. You give them ultimatum, either he stops being a whiny baby and learns to love your kitten and have fun or he doesn't have to come see you anymore !!!

 

[Gizzymom]

He sound a little jealous or threatened. Did he have your undivided attention before and now Berlin is "stealing" it all??

I don't get how a person can feel "threatened' by a pet!! But I have dated guys that feel that they will never measure up to Gizmo, so they quit trying. The thing is that's it's 2 very separate distinct relationships... And if he cannot accept Berlin... he is not worth it... Especially when he knows how much joy she brings to your life...

 

[AmazonGoddess]

Heh ... Yeah, there's nothing more threatening than a kitten. I'd understand if you had a man-eating Irish Wolfhound or something but, geesh ...

Tell the BF to grow a set and deal with the kitten. It's a baby cat for god's sake and if he can't deal with that, what happens if you have kids? Or if you get ill and require his help? If he can't deal with a rambunctious kitten, how will he deal with stuff like that.

Now, I realize you probably love (or at least really care for) this guy and want to keep him in your life so you may have to resort to under-handed trickery. When your kitty is sound asleep, put him in your BF's arms. Make him hold kitty. If THAT doesn't melt his heart, nothing will.

 

[ypvsypvs]

Well, some people just aren't into cats and what can you do?
It doesn't automatically mean they are bad people. I don't and none of us know your guy so to tell you to either dump him or something else that drastic is just not possible for any of us to do and if so you shouldn't listen to it.
Maybe someone can give you a tip on how to make the situation better though.

I've had girlfriends that has been way too into stuff that I wasn't and that fact alone does not make me a bad person or is there some kind of rule that says that us guys have to convert into whatever our gfs interest is?
It is a problem when something like this happens though, if I meet someone I always make sure she's not an allergic before it goes too far etc but what do you do if you meet THE one and she would be too allergic to ever live in a house with cats?
Tough question, and if it comes to some sort of ultimatum for you, basically the same one. Normally it won't come to that depending on how much he dislikes cats (and love you) but I am sure that you would understand if you turn it around. If he had a noisy, jumpy untrained dog that didn't leave you alone maybe you would rather not spend as much time at his place either.

I don't know him or the situation and I certainly can't tell you either to dump him or what to do IF an ultimatum were to be put on the table. Even if you love him to death I am sure there are scenarios that would make you do the same as he is doing if he was too into something that you are not and that interest made you uncomfortable at his place.

Tough problem and one that comes up for discussion a lot on these forums and is normally very unbalanced in it's replies since we all share the same obsession and have a hard time understanding that all ppl don't.

My 2 cents.
Think through whatever you do very well. Cats are amazing and I wouldn't let them go for anything but so is a life with the right person. It would be a bad thing by him to put an ultimatum on the table but as I said, we don't know the level of discomfort he feels. Only you two do. I don't envy your situation and I don't believe he will acually do that. Also, the kitten will calm down. On top of that it IS possible to train them. Mine stop whatever they are doing if I say NO! no matter what it is. I train them to undertsand that command from the first day I get them. Maybe you can get them to leave him alone more. It's harder with a cat but with dogs we expect it, right?
All ppl don't like being jumped no matter how cute the jumper is.

 

[sphynxie]

Wow- that's a tuff one! The one thing that I know is that if you really love someone, you never give them an ultimatum-you find a way to work it out. Maybe some dedicated training on your part and a little more flexibility and understanding of the kitten stage on his part. Good Luck!

 

[ypvsypvs]

Wow- that's a tuff one! The one thing that I know is that if you really love someone, you never give them an ultimatum-you find a way to work it out. Maybe some dedicated training on your part and a little more flexibility and understanding of the kitten stage on his part. Good Luck!

Ofc there can be scenarios where you have to leave an ultimatum, even if you really love someone. You don't have to leave an ultimatum because you want power or have a need to dictate the other persons life, it can be out of a need to change something that is just not possible for you to live with.
I'm not saying a kitten normally is one of those but there are many many situations that can take it to that.
Lets say you really want kids and your partner don't, that's a good exemple of one.
But there are infinate exemples of when you can love someone but still it is impossible to live together or share a life together if something makes it very uncomfortable, destructive or your goals in life can't be reached if you do.
It does not have to be things that make you love the person less it can come to that anyway in many situations.
I would not move into a house with 2-3 dogs that are out of control for instance. Ultimatum would b... Either you get them under control or get rid of them or I just wont move in. Would b a pity to loose a gf you love that way but I also need to think about myself and the situation I will live under for potentially the rest of my life to some degree.

Now again, a kitten very rarelly is a problem of that magnitude but who are we to say it is not for him? We don't know him or the level of dislike he actually has for cats. It would be a real pity if a small cat would mean the end of a relationship and I don't think it will, not only because of that but it has happened and will again.

My dads wife is a good exemple, she would never let a cat live in the house no matter what but she is the kindest person ever in every other regard, there is NOTHING she would not do for everyone around her. She just REALLY don't like cats. I can bring mine there for a couple of days but that's because she knows I wont be able to visit very often if I couldn't, they live far away.

It's not always as easy as it looks but sure the guy could b a d*ck as well. We just don't know and can't pretend we do.

And ultimatums can be needed even in the most loving of relationships in numerous situations but for most people it never comes to that.
I imagine that if this was about another problem and a woman had a big problem with something her bf was doing on this very forum there would come suggestions of ultimatums pretty fast. Even if she said she loved him...

 

[ElGatoLoco]

I really don't understand this mans attitude. He can't relax? Because of a cat? What does he think will happen? Sounds like he's got bigger issues than just a cat.

I might be alone in my thinking but why doesn't he just ignore the cat? If you ignore Butterball, he'll ignore you. It's not like the cat is going to attack for no reason. Many times I find dogs more annoying than cats. I don't know, maybe it's just me but I don't get people "hating" cats. I understand why they might not want to have a cat as a pet. But I don't understand why they hate them. He doesn't have to pet it. He doesn't even have to acknowledge it. Hell, he doesn't even have to feed it.

 

[ypvsypvs]

I really don't understand this mans attitude. He can't relax? Because of a cat? What does he think will happen? Sounds like he's got bigger issues than just a cat.

I might be alone in my thinking but why doesn't he just ignore the cat? If you ignore Butterball, he'll ignore you. It's not like the cat is going to attack for no reason. Many times I find dogs more annoying than cats. I don't know, maybe it's just me but I don't get people "hating" cats. I understand why they might not want to have a cat as a pet. But I don't understand why they hate them. He doesn't have to pet it. He doesn't even have to acknowledge it. Hell, he doesn't even have to feed it.

Very true.
However I do have some friends that are really uncomfortable around cats and totally freeze up when they get close. Grown guys I mean.
And then I know my dads wife who also is like that and still is a terrific woman in every other way. I know a few guys that wouldn't move in with anyone with cat or dog, without being assholes. Some ppl just are like that and it's hard to demand that they go all the way while we do nothing.
On the other hand loosing a pet or even restricting it's life within our homes are a huge thing for us to do.

I don't know but I have seen this discussed and debated many many times in forums and also IRL and normally it solves itself. If not it's normally up to someone just being a d*ck about it but sometimes you run across these ppl that truly just never will be comfortable around a cat or a dog no matter what you or him/her do.
I just wanna say that we don't know the situation and it may very well b that this guy is intolerant or something but maybe he is not as well.

We have to remember that we are on a forum consisting only of ppl with the same craze and not all are like us. Some even hate the idea of animals indoors at all if we go to the extreme on the other side.

Think the most constructing way to try to solve this is to try to at least take a few steps into middle ground, if he is worth it. Other way is to just ignore it and hope for the best. Talk to him and ask what it would take to make him comfortable again. Maybe it's not too much. If it is you will have to take the decission and that's better than letting him do it out of your control totally.

In the end it all boils down to how good of a guy he is. His dislike of a kitten being so large that he wont come over to your place as much because of it is certainly not a good sign just as everyone says but it doesn't HAVE to be proof of him being bad and certainly not a bad future dad. My best friends parents when I was a kid wouldn't even let a cat or dog into their yard without chasing it away with a hoose but they were great parents.

 

[tessblack]

Yeah tough situation. Give it sometime, maybe he will come around. Hope things can work out. This is an ex bull rider, motorcycle guy, truck driver named John Wayne. Standing in petsmart with his little witch and his drag queen Tux the french maid.

 

[Gizzymom]

Tess.. Love the pic of your husband with TWO sphynx lying on his face!!

And how in the world does asshole make in through the censor when ****atoo doesn't ???!!!

 

[susi794]

You don't even want to know what I would tell you to do....I am old and don't have to put up with anybody's crap any more. You've been with this guy for four years--is this truly the only thing you don't see eye to eye on?

 

[ckutkuhn7]

Bottom line...When someone loves you they don't give you ultimatums and once you give into one bigger and worse ones come along in the future! Four years is a long time to throw away over something like this but if he can't handle a little kitty how will he handle the other stresses that come along in life when your more serious and actually live together!
Keep Berlin, he will never give you a ultimatum!!

 

[sydkat7]

I was in a somewhat similar situation. My BF is not a cat person...heck, he's just not an animal person period! My BF used to complain about my cats frequently until I finally told him that if it ever came down to a choice between him and my cats, the cats would win..hands down! My cats are part of the package that is me and that if he can't accept them, he cannot accept me...end of story!

On the other hand, I also realized that part of my BF's discomfort with my kitties stemmed from a little jealousy on his part; he was feeling a little "left out" because my cats are so demanding of my attention all the time. So now when we're together, I make an concerted effort to give my BF a little extra attention and make him feel special despite the cats being there, too. I really think that was the real basis of his issue with my cats.

Fortunately, my BF is a smart enough guy to realize that if he wants to have a life with me, he has to develop a relationship with my cats, too. He's doing a much better job nowadays of tolerating them and accepting the feline characteristics of my kitties that used to annoy him. All of my cats seem to like him and accept him as "part of our family" as well.

 

[ypvsypvs]

I was in a somewhat similar situation. My BF is not a cat person...heck, he's just not an animal person period! My BF used to complain about my cats frequently until I finally told him that if it ever came down to a choice between him and my cats, the cats would win..hands down! My cats are part of the package that is me and that if he can't accept them, he cannot accept me...end of story!

On the other hand, I also realized that part of my BF's discomfort with my kitties stemmed from a little jealousy on his part; he was feeling a little "left out" because my cats are so demanding of my attention all the time. So now when we're together, I make an concerted effort to give my BF a little extra attention and make him feel special despite the cats being there, too. I really think that was the real basis of his issue with my cats.

Fortunately, my BF is a smart enough guy to realize that if he wants to have a life with me, he has to develop a relationship with my cats, too. He's doing a much better job nowadays of tolerating them and accepting the feline characteristics of my kitties that used to annoy him. All of my cats seem to like him and accept him as "part of our family" as well.

This is my point exactly. Normally you can solve the problem this way. Not always but in the majority of the cases. Some adjustments on both sides always have to be made if you are not together with an exact replica of yourself.

 

[NightSpidy]

Ok, so let me get this straight, a grown man can't relax cuz he never knows when she's going to jump on him or run underfoot?!?!?!?!?!?!? Seriously? For real? It's not like she's a lion. I think that is the lamest excuse I have ever heard from a guy, or any adult. I don't buy his story though, I think there is something else there that is really bugging him. I think he may end up giving you an ultimatum at some point, to which I would tell him, see ya - wouldn't wanna be ya!

Edit: Just read more of the posts. If he is seriously bothered by kitty-witty cat, buy him a spray bottle, fill it with water and when Berlin does something not liked by him, he can give her a little squirt. After 1 day of my water-bottle boot camp, if Rupert or Orion even hear the water swishing, they immediately stop what they are doing and some behaviors have just stopped altogether. Perhaps he is feeling jealous or left out? Try to involve him in playing with her and ensuring that he gets extra special attention so he doesn't feel left out.

If he did give you an ultimatum and you got rid of Berlin, how much would that decision bother you after? How long would it take before you started to resent him for making you get rid of her? Not sure who said it first, but yeah, when you love someone, you don't give ultimatums, you meet half way. That's what love is, is meeting half way.

 

[marlene]

My biggest concern here isn't how well this fellow tolerates Berlin. I'm far more concerned about what personality traits he seems to display.

Now this is just my opinion of what you wrote and I freely admit that it isn't fair to "judge" him.

People that don't like animals and that are put in a position of having to learn to tolerate them MAY turn into closet animal abusers. I know, I came home one day to find one of my kitties with fractured ribs. I'm not stupid enough to believe that he broke the ribs jumping down from the bed like my husband said. My husband initially didn't like my cats and made that clear - but he also did an extremely good job of subsequently masking that dislike and even pretending to like cats, to the point of going to cat shows with me and offering to watch queens that had litters due if I had to be away. So my question: Is this a situation that you're willing to risk - possibly - finding yourself in, and subjecting your kitty to?

Secondly, it's been said that we can't extrapolate possibly being a bad parent from the behavior he displays towards Berlin. I disagree. If he has absolutely no patience with a kitten, just how long might it take for him to lose patience with a toddler? Many child abusers never liked animals and started out as animal abusers. Not all, but a good portion of them. Do you really want to risk having a child with someone who has so little tolerance? That's your decision too - but even if you say you're never going to have children, things can change and unplanned pregnancies happen. I'm not saying that he would be an animal or child abuser; I'm saying that based on what little you wrote, my impression is that the possibility could exist.

My husband gave me an ultimatum once too. He told me I had to choose between the cats and him. I ****canned our marriage of almost 19 years.

I'm in my 50's and there were a lot of things I would tolerate/try to work out back when I was 30, that I now realize simply weren't worth it or in my best interests. My only regret about the whole ultimatum thing was that I'd wasted so many years of my life on that relationship. I truly do wish I'd been smart enough to call it quits after only 4 years instead of almost 19. Your relationship may be different, only you can say.

 

[TotenEngel]

wow, dont envy you at all... guess I'm lucky in that I have always had cats so any man in my life has come in after them and also known that if I had to make a choice, then they would be out on their ear!
Also, I have to admit, I don't get people who don't love animals.. love me, love my cats!

Good luck whatever you do!

 

[Ella_B]

Thanks for all the replies - you have all definitely given me a lot to think about. Growing up, my boyfriend was an only child and only ever had one pet (a hamster), so I think that probably has a lot to do with his inability to accept Berlin. I think the most challenging thing for me is trying to give him the time and attention that he needs without Berlin losing out as a result (which can only exacerbate attention-seeking behaviour). I want him to see that he and I can spend time together and still enjoy it - even if there is a kitten wandering about and playing with our shoelaces or trying to peer into our teacups.

 

[Gullivers Keeper]

wow, dont envy you at all... guess I'm lucky in that I have always had cats so any man in my life has come in after them and also known that if I had to make a choice, then they would be out on their ear!
Also, I have to admit, I don't get people who don't love animals.. love me, love my cats!

Good luck whatever you do!

I agree with you, I judge people who don't like animals, and it's from experience, most people who don' t like animals are not good people, yes I know this may not be true of all people for example if they just are scared of them, then that maybe something else. I got bit by a stray cat when I was little and had to go to the hospital and everything, I wouldn't even tell my parents or the doctors what it looked like because I didn't want the cat to get in trouble I finally told them after they promised it wouldn't

 

[MissMySphynxBoys]

I hope things will get easier for you in time Ella. Follow your gut.

 

[sydkat7]

Ella, just wanted to add that if that is Berlin in your avatar pic, she is so ADORABLE! I can't see how anybody, even your BF, could not fall in love with her! Good luck with your situation...I sincerely hope that your BF will come around like mine did. However, in time you'll know what you need to do, one way or the other.

 

[maxtmill]

You don't even want to know what I would tell you to do....I am old and don't have to put up with anybody's crap any more. You've been with this guy for four years--is this truly the only thing you don't see eye to eye on?

HAHA! I have to agree with you - at this point in my life, I don't give a hoot what anybody thinks about my 10 dogs, 4 cats (soon to be 5 or 6), & 5 fish tanks!! My husband isn't the biggest cat fan in the world, but he has grown somewhat attached to ours!

 

[maxtmill]

HAHA! I have to agree with you - at this point in my life, I don't give a hoot what anybody thinks about my 10 dogs, 4 cats (soon to be 5 or 6), & 5 fish tanks!! My husband isn't the biggest cat fan in the world, but he has grown somewhat attached to ours!

OOPS-I have to add an addeddum - I just told my husband I was letting the cats out of the cat room, & he said " Oh good -Maybe they'll all get lost". What a weenie! Anyway, I noticed that many of who are older & have had our husbands/boyfriends/ & children are not so tolerant of any man giving ultimatums!! getting older has its' benefits!!